It's Okay.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Right now we are at the time of year when America’s Got Talent posts all of their hits and Golden Buzzer winners. (Which have all been fantastic.) And this year Terry Crews and Simon Cowell did a series of clips naming Simons's top favorite’s Golden Buzzer moments. And number one was “It’s Ok” by Nightbirde. I watched the video recently and I was just absolutely wrecked. And it made me remember how unfair cancer is.

Three years ago today I was done with my last radiology appointment and was deemed cancer free. Nightbirde like me was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Two different types. She was stage 3 (I couldn’t find what kind) with a 2% chance of survival while I had stage 2 triple negative Breast Cancer (which means no hormones were involved), which is one of the rarest Breast Cancers but is also the most successfully treated.

I remember those days. After a day of chemotherapy, especially at the end of my treatment that I was just so weak. I don’t think unless you’ve experienced it, how hard it is to convince yourself to treat your cancer with poison and just hope and pray that in the game of Russian Roullete that it doesn’t pull the trigger first.

Oh dang, oh my, now I can’t hide

Said I knew myself but I guess I lied.

It's been three years, and I’ve gone on in life almost like nothing happened. I’m surrounded by my wonderful husband, family, and friends. My hair had grown back, longer than I’ve ever remembered having it. I have a beautiful baby boy. I am doing great at my job. I’ve published a novel, and I’m working on more (slowly). Not acknowledging the trauma that I endured, not fully using its story to bring hope to others. Not that I am not vocal about my story, but not being honest, that sometimes the fear takes over that it comes back. Because of its unknown origin, until my five years of remission are over, I’m still holding my breath. Waiting. Waiting to see if it’s done with me, not knowing I won this time or if the war is just beginning.

That’s the beauty of this song though, and if you haven’t heard her song and her AGT audition yet you are missing out. It’s okay to not be ok or to not know what’s next or to be afraid. Those are part of the human experience. Not everyone makes it to the finish line worn and gray, but the goal is to say that we’ve at least tried. My favorite phrase in Latin has always been Memento Mori; Memento Vivere. Memento Mori means “remember you will die”, but in the same breath Memento Vivere means “remember to live”. If you were to reverse them: Remember to live, because we all die. I think is such a powerful reminder.

Nightbirde did that. Until she died earlier this year. She knew that time was short and she expanded upon every moment because she knew it was important. I just hope I can make a fraction of the impact that she did. To use my voice to inspire hope.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.